what hurts the most
was being so close
and having so much to say
and watching you walk away

and never knowing
what could have been
*and not seeing that loving you
is what i was trying to do*

A revelation. 

Is that what I was trying to do... all this time?

I never wanted to admit that I loved him... that I could love him.

Because if I could love him, that was big.  That was out of my control.
If I could love him, he could hurt me.  He could break my heart.

I didn't want to admit that anyone could have that power over me.

But I think he did.  I think I gave it to him... maybe without him even realizing it.  Certainly without telling him.  I don't think I even told myself.

I wonder... is this what it feels like?  Love?  Is that what I was feeling all that time, or at least there towards the end?  And if it was, is it still?  Do I still love him?  Can you love someone without them knowing it... does that count?  Is it love if you don't acknowledge it to the object of your affection?  Is it love if you don't acknowledge it to yourself?

Perhaps there is so much that I haven't experienced, yet, that I don't always recognize it when it happens - I can't trace the line between the emotion and it's name.  I know the theory.  And maybe now I know the reality, too.  But it seems so new and foreign to me, that when I find it, I hardly recognize it.  Love.  Jealousy.  And maybe heartbreak?

What is the definition?  I need a definition - a dichotomous key, if you will - for love.
To see if this is really what I am experiencing... for the first time in my life.

I think I loved him.

... I think I love him.

Everything I told myself about love... that it took time... a relationship... reciprocation... looking back on all of it now, it doesn't really make any sense.  And why should it?  I knew nothing about love.

Not this kind of love, anyway.

    Time... is 8 months enough time to fall in love with someone?  That question seems so ludicrous now -    people meet and get married in less time.

    And as for a relationship, I realize now, we weren't dating, but we were anything but distant.  It seems a bit silly to me, now, to think that you would have to be dating someone to fall in love with them... but there I am again, trying to put logical, rational rules... restrictions... on love.

    And reciprocation?  I don't know that any story is more common in life, in books, in movies, in songs... than that of unrequited love.  Maybe that's why I have a hard time listening to the radio or turning on the television anymore.

I think that, in an effort to protect myself, I refused to believe that unrequited love could still really be love... believing instead that it must be some cheaper love... a love impersonator - people thought they were in love, but it wasn't real love.

Because real love had to be good... had to be mutual... had to be bonding... couldn't hurt you.
Maybe that's why I never believed that I had fallen for him.  Why I refused to admit that I really did love him.

Because if I didn't call it love, then it couldn't hurt like love.

I was wrong.  My logic was flawed.

You see, you can call an arrow a feather, but when it pierces your chest, you still bleed.
Because it is what it is, no matter what name you affix to it.

I wanted to believe that I was in control.  That I could choose who to love.  That I could decide to love no one before my husband.  That that was an important part of preserving my heart... of keeping it safe and whole.  I thought that I could control it... that I could control myself.  I wanted to control myself. Because there are so many things in this world that I cannot control.  I wanted to be able to control every aspect about myself.

But I'm afraid I can't. 
Because I love him. 
And I never wanted to. 
I never wanted to get hurt.
It just happened.

And so I wonder... is this love?  Because it hurts like love.  And if it is love, then is this jealousy?  Because it's consuming like jealousy.  And if it is love, and if it is jealousy, then is this what it feels to be heartbroken?  Because I think I am.

So many new experiences.  So many firsts.  Am I suddenly accepting my humanity, after nearly two decades?  Abandoning my beliefs that I can exist as a perfectly controlled robot in a human's body?  In a human's heart?

I think I might be. 

And it's frightening, to be sure.  And it hurts like nothing else.  But I think it's good.
I think it's better than living the rest of my life without all of this.
I think, for the first time, I am understanding what it's like to feel.  I think, perhaps, the walls - the defenses that I labored to build up for so many years - are finally coming down.

Perhaps, sometimes, it takes pain to remind us that we can still feel.  To deliver us out of existence and into life.  Perhaps it is okay to hurt every now and then.

I'm sure that seems so elementary to everyone else, but for me, this is new.  This is a revelation.


take all of your wasted honor
every little past frustration
take all of your so called problems
better put them in quotations

say what you need to say

walking like a one man army
fighting with the shadows in your head
living up the same old moment
knowing you'd be better off instead

if you could only... say what you need to say

have no fear for giving in
have no fear for giving over
you better know that in the end
it's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say again

even if your hands are shaking
and your faith is broken
even as the eyes are closing
do it with a heart wide open

say what you need to say

I apologize!!  I really do start all of these (blogs) with the best of intentions, but I don't usually devote any time to them until I should be devoting it to something else... like papers.  or sleep.

which is kind of the case right now.  Actually, I should probably be writing a letter back to someone who wrote me about a month ago.  I *so* suck at this.

Anyway - news!!  Hm... the last (public) post was when I was in FL just after spring semester dismissed, I believe.  Okay - so then I had a summer class - got an A in it (intro to criminal justice)  good deal!  It was my kind of class - read the book, take notes, listen in class, take the test, done in 16 days.  Oh yes.  Then I had the rest of summer.  Which mostly consisted of working every available shift (and, on one occasion, even an unavailable shift, when I mistakenly showed up to work and Mr. Dones let me stay on because he had some extra hours - hahaha).  And yet, I am still broke!!  Well, not really, but between paying dad back for tuition, saving for an apartment (at a dismally slow rate - ugh - looking like spring semester is the soonest I can move out), and gas prices??  I have no money.  So I continue to snap up shifts like the hours fiend that I am :)  Because I really don't want to have to change jobs simply because I'm not making enough here.

Also, I am leaving for Destin/Ft. Walton Beach, FL on WEDNESDAY now (and I am more ticked than I have a right to be about it - I know I know - it's Florida, don't complain - but if we're not leaving until Wednesday morning, I see no need for me to give up my Tuesday night shift!!  Grrrr.)  Beyond that, I am very excited :)  Swimsuit is supposedly arriving tomorrow - I am very curious as to whether or not it will fit.  Let's hope so!!

(something I just realized - my glasses are desperately in need of cleaning, but I can't find my lens cloth.  And shirts don't really cut it.  They are driving me nuts.)

My ears started ringing tonight.  And now my hearing is slightly muffled in the left one - like when you get water in your ears?  Odd.  And annoying.  Web MD says to "call your health professional today."  I think if it's not better by morning, I'm going to have to, just because I don't want to have to deal with this on vacation all week.  Hopefully it won't be a big deal and it will go away tonight.

Tomorrow, I am going shopping for some shorts, some more tops like the ones I found at Macy's the other day, and a new dress - just something to wear out to dinner one night, when we go out to Old Bay Steamer (really great seafood place - I love coming back to Destin every year and eating at my favorite restaurants :D).  I saw something I really liked at Von Maur a few weeks ago... I may go check it out.  Then I'm going to work.

Tuesday - PACKING!!  translation:  crapton of laundry needs to be done before I can pack.  Also, I'm going to have to consolidate, this time, seeing as we are all travelling together in the van - I won't be able to bring my big suitcase :(  So I will be cramming everything into my medium suitcase, and carrying a bunch of stuff with me in the main cabin (apologies for the airplane-speak - I'm not really sure what you call it in a car...).  I will have my laptop with me (naturally - hahaha), probably a few books I haven't yet read ...

(I have a tendency to buy books in bulk - 7 or 8 at a time - and then spend about a year reading through all of them - I am a sort of literary bulimic in that I go through reading binges, where I will read two or three in a couple of days, and then I won't pick up a book for a couple of months.  Funny... binges always seem to happen at times when I also have a bunch of papers to write.... hmmm....)

 ... I need to gather some movies to watch on the way down (new entertainment system in the new van - fun stuff ; D), update my iPod, CHARGE my iPod, phone, and camera... what else?  I don't know - that sounds pretty comprehensive to me at the moment...

Wednesday - we are LEAVING!!  And driving 13 hours to Columbus, GA.  We will be staying there for the rest of Weds, Thurs, and Fri (visiting the great grandparents, and also other extended family), and then driving the remaining 3 hours to Ft. Walton Beach on Saturday, where we will check into the condo around noon-ish with THE ANDERSONS!!!

This has always been our family vacation, before, but since Logan is the closest thing Dad has to a brother, and Tammie is like his sister, they're pretty much family anyway.  And since they moved to St. Pete last year, we don't get to see them nearly enough, so this will be immensely enjoyable, I expect :D  I know it will be fun to have Collette and Ethan around at the beach!

We leave for home on Saturday again, and I don't know where we are staying - probably somewhere around Nashville - that's usually where we stop off - and then continuing on home on Sunday.  Just in time for classes to start on Monday...  more on those later.

I will do my best to report somewhat more frequently from now on :)  Especially during vacation - hopefully with pics!!  talk soon :)

K. <><

First day of summer :) [under construction]